November.....

Well it's the 1st of November and I promised myself I would start blogging again today although now it seems today is not a good day to start. I hate starting my blog off with a pitty party but this is my only place where I can vent and let it all out.
You see, I'm having one of those days again....one of those where I just want to know what I ever did in my life to deserve this? What did I ever do, that was so terribly wrong, that I have to be put through this punishment day in and day out?

I JUST WANT A BABY!   Why is that too much to ask?  I want to experience the feeling of elation when I see 2 lines on the HPT. I want to experience my husbands joy when I tell him that he is going to be a dad. I want to experience my in-laws' joy when they hear they are going to be grand parents for the first time. I want to experience my parents' joy when they find out that their daughter finally got what her heart desired. I want to experience morning sickness and a growing belly, ultra sounds and the joys of having a little life growing inside you. Ultimately I want to experience the immense love that only a mother can have for her child...

I suppose my sadness was spurred on by the news that a fellow infertile, who sees the same FS as me, just had an unsuccessful frozen embryo transfer. I kinda convinced myself that if it works for her then surely it should work for me. Not that my convincing was based on anything scientific, just that silly thing called HOPE.

Well it didn't work for her and it has left her shattered. I feel her pain and it has left me terrified of going ahead with our frozen embryo transfer later this month. At the moment HOPE is frozen somewhere in a laboratory in Pinelands...  my 2 beautiful snow babies.

The original plan was to do the frozen embryo transfer next year but hubby suggested that we do it now. I was completely taken a back by his suggestion but after thinking it through I decided that it was what I wanted too.

So that is when I decided that it was time to get fit and healthy. Exercise was the one thing missing in the 2 years since we have been TTC. Everyone knows that exercise is good for you and according to my FS great for fertility too so I started with my Get healthy /Get Fit program.

I used to do some running before we got married, averaged about 40km a week.... then married life took over and the running/exercise just took a back seat. So when I decided to get fit, running was my first plan of action. I love putting on my running gear and getting out in the fresh air. It does wonders for mind and soul and I definitely feel the benefits. The problem is that the exercise is doing what it's supposed to and I'm losing weight. Not a problem for most people but a problem for me since I'm not supposed to lose anything as my BMI is already too close to the bottom end of normal. It really hit home when my FS asked me to please keep an eye on my weight as I never weighed much in the first place. Great! So my good intentions of getting fit could be ruining my chances of conceiving even more?? Can I ever do something right?

So that is where I am at the moment. Angry at the world. Angry at my body and still hanging on to the last teeny tiny morsel of HOPE.

xx